places

the other night i went to my old apartment. i often do. it was a sudden change of course, since the plan was to go to my current apartment. i don’t stay there very often. haven’t made a meal there in months. something in me needed that old space. i ran into a couple of friends. i’ve been feeling overwhelmingly anti-social with little warning these days. they had to shake acknowledgment from me, but it was good to see them. i didn’t notice my own conundrum. still i was awkward, as usual, and was glad to arrive alone in my old empty apartment. out the back i wanted the sun and the harbour air. it was cold. i was cold. i knocked a box of miscellany and glass off a stool. i turned a heater on that started to smoke. i opened the windows and doors and a beer. i picked up the mess and swept the floors. they may not have been cleaned since i left. i found a radio and they were talking about media and politics. inner dialogue. there is a melody i still cannot place. it makes me think of bigger things. i go out on the back stoop and stare at the last glowing hills across the harbour. the last golden bits of buildings. the lights of cars moving steady on the bridge. busses. the ferry. downtown. the abandoned school and the church steeple and the quiet roofs. the school will soon be another hole. for how long will this seem like home? pits of despair. i keep looking and thinking, this is good to do.